Screaming Yellow Zonkers! REVIEW!

Wonka Ice Cream Review!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

REVIEW: Extra Dessert Delights Lemon Square Gum

Holy fucking donkey balls, Extra did it again. You know we've posted in the past about Extra's Dessert Delight's line of Gum and way back when, they ran a contest with votes on Facebook to decide which would become the new flavour of their Gum, the choices? Root Beer Float, Lemon Square, and Banana's Foster, frankly we'd voted for Banana's Foster, though strangely Root Beer Float won out, it wasn't a bad flavour, it tasted like a Root Beer Float surprisingly well..

This time however, the Extra team has brought the flavours that did not win, we have yet to see Banana's Foster, but on a recent trip to Walgreen's, holy fuckshit Santa's chestnuts roasting over an open fire, it's a late X-Mas miracle! Because right there is Lemon Square fucking Gum!

Now first comments first is probably, "What the fuck? Lemon Square Gum? How can this taste good?", our question would be, HAVE YOU TRIED ANY OF THEIR OTHER DESSERT DELIGHT FLAVOURS, FUCK-FACE?! BECAUSE IF YOU HAD, YOU WOULDN'T BE ASKING THAT!

Root Beer Float that tastes like Root Beer Float, Apple Pie that tastes like Apple Pie, Strawberry Shortcake that tastes of Strawberry Shortcake, Orange Creamsicle that tastes like Orange Creamsicle, and BULLSHITBALLS THE SNOZZBERRIES TASTE LIKE SNOZZBERRIES!

...Though we can see the discrepancy and mistrust in a Gum flavour that was Lemon, admittedly even we're a little weirded by the concept, but fuck it, who gives a shit? We like Lemon's, right?


Surprisingly it does smell Lemony opening the package, it smells kind of like sweet Lemon sweeties, you know? Lemon drops, maybe? Something like that? And it's a soft, gentle Lemon smell that suggests that this won't be a face inverting experience that will fuck our face side-ways and leave us looking mentally handicapped for the next week.

And each strip is unsurprisingly slightly yellow in colour, though we imagine that's purely artificial, we wonder what colour the Gum would be in it's actual natural and undyed state? Either way each strip of Gum smells surprisingly good and sweet, we couldn't wait to try it and when we did.. Wow.. When we did, just.. Wow..

There is the sudden sensation of smooth warmth washing over your tongue as a fuckslurry of what seems to be Whipped Cream flavour and texture rolls into your mouth, the undertones of what tastes to be almost an Angel Food Cake following it up, directly followed by the sweet Angel-like chorus of the delicious sweet Lemon which DEAR GOD, TAKE ALL OUR MONEY, WE WANT MORE.

THIS SHIT IS AMAZING! Not puckering sour at all, it's sweet to a T and it's FUCKING delicious. The flavour lasts for a fairly decent amount of time as well and it so mind-blowing that just.. Fuck.. Brain-chunks everywhere.. ERRYWHURR!

Yeah.. Short review, but you know what? There's nothing more to say.

Extra Dessert Delights Lemon Square Gum receives a rating of 9.5/10 Big Cat Paws; damn near perfect but it doesn't last forever! GIVE US BANANAS FOSTER TOO, YOU BASTARDS! And make something Chocolate other than Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

REVIEW: Gekkeikan Black & Gold Sake


There's nary an alcohol around we love more than Sake, why? Because we drink to get shit-faced and normally you wouldn't equate a Wine with something you'd drink to get shit-faced because most Wines are pretty weak, except Sake is a special kind of Wine that hails from Japan and is a Wine made from Rice which means Sake is a Grain Alcohol and as any drinker knows, Grain Alcohol will fuck you up.

Sake is perhaps a good way to stay out of trouble, if you're drunk, you can't do much, right? Unless you're like us in which case Sake is a good way to get into trouble because you get more rambunctious and giggly the more inebriated you become and other sides of you start getting out more making the night rather interesting before you abruptly hurl all over something/someone and then the night is an official goddamned party.

First thing of note is that Gekkeikan Black & Gold Sake comes in a really pretty bottle that's fucking awesome in all sorts of different ways, THIS THING'S A MOTHERFUCKING DECORATION AFTER BEING USED TO KILL YOUR BRAINCELLS. THAT OR YOU COULD JUST BOP YOURSELF IN THE HEAD WITH IT AND KILL MORE BRAINCELLS!

It's seriously unique though, for about $20 USD a bottle, you get a pretty bottle you're more than likely to keep and some Sake, that's pretty bad-ass.

Pouring this is what you'd expect, it's clear enough that you could probably totally trick a non Alcohol drinker to drink this shit because it does look convincingly like water at least on most levels, it's potent shit and smells fucking potent. It's taste?

Wuughh.. Goddamned, yeah.. That's Sake for you, fuck your mouth, that's Sake. It's got a nice strong bite to it that just makes you shiver and it goes down your throat with a nice warming burn, it's a super pleasant drink to have heated rather than chilled, especially in the winter.

Of course the taste isn't for everyone but we considered Gekkeikan Black & Gold Sake to have tasted pretty damn good for Sake bought in the U.S. Gekkeikan Black & Gold Sake receives a rating of 9.5/10 Big Cat Paws; can't really think about how to improve it other than increasing the Alcohol content more, but it's already potent shit to begin with outpacing Beer considerably.


Furthermore, the alcohol content differs between sake, wine, and beer. Wine generally contains 9%–16% ABV, while most beer contains 3%–9%, and undiluted sake contains 18%–20% (although this is often lowered to about 15% by diluting with water prior to bottling).

So yeah, good Alcohol to get fucked on.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Naruto: The Disturbing 11

It's been pretty cool, lately we've been kind of desensitized by this shite Kishimoto is pumping in with Naruto Shippuden, for the most part it's been pretty mundane shit at least as Naruto goes, y'know.. Crazy bad-guy resurrecting the dead for the sake of using their corpses as weapons in the recent Fourth Shinobi World War? It's all pretty cool actually because we get to see villains from the past like way back such as Haku and Zabuza who turned out not to be such villains, Haku being Zabuza's ridiculously effeminate partner who wished to be nothing more than a 'tool' for Zabuza's ambitions, yeah.. There was nothing kinky going on there..


It doesn't help that when they originally died, Zabuza was crying over Haku's death and insisted on being next to Haku for the final moments of his life, wishing that he could go to the afterlife with Haku and verifying that he thought of Haku as more than a weapon.. It was all rather touching, honestly, the intent of bringing them back by the villain? TO FUCK WITH THE MINDS OF THE 'GOOD GUYS'.

...Except it had the exact opposite effect of what was intended because rather than having mental break-downs over seeing the reanimated corpses of past villains/friends/allies all since died who can't control their bodies or help but attack their living comrades, it actually strengthened the resolve of the people fighting because that's typically what happens when characters have conviction that they stick to..

BUT NONE OF THAT IS THE NIGHTMARE FUEL! What is the Nightmare Fuel? It's the sort of shit that comes out of buttfucking no where and totally catches you off guard because one second you're watching something seemingly normal and then the next it's OHGODCAN'TUNSEE.

Naruto finally gets out of the Giant Sea Tortoise where he's been kept under wraps during the Fourth Shinobi World War because it turns out, big-bad Tobi ( Uchiha Madara ) was after him all this time. What happens? He gets outside and in Sage Mode immediately begins to sense everything that has happened and is happening resulting in some pretty unsettling music and one frame in particular that made us evacuate all the fear-poop we had straight into our fucking pants.


Because seriously that motherfucker reminded us right off the bat of goddamned Jeff The Killer.


Mental stability is over-rated anyway and Kishimoto aims to prove that to you the hard way if necessary and if not, STILL THE FUCKING HARD WAY.

As a point of Nightmare Fuel? Also the fight between Sasuke and Danzou, Danzo grabs Karin and attempts to use her as a hostage. In response, Sasuke simply tells her to stay still, impales both of them without a second thought, "smiles" and happily says: "Brother.. That's one down..", the way he says it sounds like he's talking to his brother as a child would an imaginary friend.

Hey Karin, stay still and just GO TO SLEEP.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Pokemon The Movie 12: Archeus And The Jewel Of Life

Aaand we're back, like a bad fucking plague that won't go away, Japan keeps pumping out more and more Pokemon movies and we keep watching them because in spite of how horribad it is, Pokemon is goddamned entertaining for some odd reason.

Palkia, Dialga, and Giratina BECAUSE FUCK YOU, THEY'RE BRINGING THEM BACK A THIRD GODDAMNED TIME or bringing back Palkia and Dialga a third time, this is Giratina's second appearance, it's still fucking ridiculous but I guess they had to have them in this movie because the Pokemon this movie is centered around? Archeus, a Pokemon who more or less in name and in behaviour, power, and design seems to be more or less the equivalent of the Christian God because he's pretty much immune to goddamned everything if he's at full, can create life, and FUCK EVERYTHING. HE'S ARCHEUS!

It's interesting he's named that because the actual definition of the word 'Archeus' is as follows;

n.1.The vital principle or force which (according to the Paracelsians) presides over the growth and continuation of living beings; the anima mundi or plastic power of the old philosophers.
 ...Really? And pardon, it's actually spelled 'Arceus' we see, we feel rather stupid but aren't going to edit that, you know why? BECAUSE FUCK YOU, WE MAKE MISTAKES THAT'S WHY AND WE'RE BIG CAT/WOMAN ENOUGH TO ADMIT THEM!

It's origin is actually quite interesting, described as;

Arceus is particularly based on a creator deity, present in many world cultures. The conception of the first god might be influenced from Kunitokotachi and Amenominakanushi, who, according to Shinto myth, summoned Izanami and Izanagi to create Japan with the spear. It may also be a reference to the Chinese mythical creature, the Qilin. Its myth is nearly identical to that of the Pangu, the Chinese creation deity. Arceus may also be inspired by (or a representation of) the bodhisattva Avalokiteśvara, who, in Buddhism, is either pictured with eleven heads and one thousand arms (the latter of which is mentioned in Arceus's flavor text) or in a white four-armed manifestation (which could look similar to Normal-type Arceus). Some inspiration may have come from a horse, because of its Platinum sprite and attack movements in Pokémon Battle Revolution. 

...Wow.. They put that much fucking thought into a goddamned Pokemon? We're almost awed, Arceus is actually kind of fucking awesome..


Arceus may be a combination of arch (referring to the highest point), arcanus (Latin for secret/sacred mystery), archaic (ancient), αρχή arkhē (Greek for beginning), or archetypus (Latin for original), and deus (Latin for god). It may also derive from aureus (golden, in reference to its hooves and wheel), arc (round or ring), or Archeus (an aspect of the astral plane). 

Removing 'Life Plates' from it's form, it created the Jewel Of Life to help Damos, of Michina Town revitalize his other-wise barren land. Now we had a hard time following this movie after it was over with, largely because.. It involved time-travel which automatically and inherently means that the plot was fucked up and a Wizard fucking did it.

Arceus is pissed because the Jewel Of Life that he gave to Damos was meant to be returned on a certain day of a certain eclipse except Damos evidently betrayed Arceus except he didn't because he was hypnotized by a Pokemon except he wasn't and didn't because Ash and his friends traveled back in time and someone else took his place and.. You know what? To quote Brock..

"Looks like histories corrected itself."

No, Brock, in scientific terms, that's referred to history, space, and time getting a proper fucking right in the butt.

Team Rocket shows up but they don't do a whole hell of a lot, in fact we can't even really remember anything they did aside from loot some old junk from the Temple and eventually find the Jewel Of Life which later vanished from their grasp because it was given back to Arceus in the past because FUCK YOU, TIME TRAVEL, A WIZARD DID IT.


And this furthers the issue we have with Pokemon like Professor Oak claiming 'There are only 150 Pokemon we know about! I've devoted my whole life to their research', EXCEPT FOR THE OTHER POKEMON OUTSIDE THE ORIGINAL 150 YOU SAW IN YOUR CHILDHOOD?! OR THE POKEMON EVIDENTLY IN THE PAST WHERE ASH AND FRIENDS TIME TRAVELED TO WHO WERE CALLED 'MAGICAL CREATURES'?!


Pokemon tries to have continuity but ignores shit like that which just makes us wince and rage slightly.

Pokemon are also called 'Magical Creatures' in the past and treated as slaves which served to be rather amusing as Pikachu teams with Damos' Pichu and the two go on a little crusade throughout the Temple basically screaming 'ANARCHY NOW!' and 'REVOLUTTTIOOOOON!' as they set their enslaved brethren free then realize they're not supposed to talk and dumbly insist, 'Pika?!'

Arceus And The Jewel Of Life receives a rating of 8.4/10 Big Cat Paws; one of the more entertaining Pokemon movies, it had us giggling when Pikachu and his Pichu friend started the revolution, it was rather amusing because we could somehow picture the masses of Pokemon slaves rising up because ANARCHY NOW! PIKAAA PIKACHUUU!!

Monday, January 7, 2013

Sorry for the lack of entries

Between money issues, stress, and stress induced eye-problems, we're nearly blind at the moment so entries for the Blog will have to wait until our eye heals up enough for us to see to be able to type coherently. Apologies to our followers, it will be only a brief hiatus. We can not afford any trips to the E.R or Doctor, so it's one of those 'hopefully time heals all wounds' sort of things.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

No Entry Tonight

Had a really rough day, struggling money-wise. Lots of stress. No entry tonight.

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Friday, January 4, 2013

REVIEW: Kroger Semi-Sweet Chocolate Mini Baking Chips

More Chocolate Chips, MORE CHOCOLATE CHIPS. More that are called fucking 'Chips' which confuses and enrages us because the 'American' definition of 'Chip' is our definition of a 'Crisp' and these aren't Crisps.

Also what the fuck is with this name? Is the new 'cool thing' to have packaging with as many letters and words as we can muster? The full product name would be 'Kroger Semi-Sweet Chocolate Mini Baking Chips', that's a fucking mouth-full, WHY?! They're fucking Chocolatey chunks typically used for baking, why do they need such an incredibly long name?!

We're confused about one thing and that's the marketing image on the bag which features freshly baked Biscuits looking quite like the Biscuits that we bake only with huge Chocolate Chunks in them and next to them a bowl full of also fairly large Chocolate Chunks.. Now normally this wouldn't be a problem.. But..

We mean COME ON, look at these shits, they're tiny, they're beyond tiny. They're nearly 'Nerd' sized sweeties that just.. We mean.. What?! How are these supposed to make big-ass Chocolate Chunks in a Biscuit when they're really just tiny pathetic dots of barely any Chocolate at all?!

Bullshit says a Big Cat! BULLSHIT!

..But we digress.. It's not that they're bad, quite to the contrary, they're semi-sweet as they claim to be and they're fairly yummy all in all, their Chocolate flavour is a little bitter which is nice because it pronounces the sweetness more vividly.

As we've reviewed such Chocolate Baking products in the past we can safely and comfortably grant Kroger Semi-Sweet Chocolate Mini Baking Chips a rating of 6.6/10 Big Cat Paws; they're pretty good, above average taste-wise but the size kills us, we can't really come up with a good reason for them to be so tiny and we guess we really shouldn't have grabbed the bag that read 'Mini' but, y'know.. Hindsight is a bitch..