Screaming Yellow Zonkers! REVIEW!

Wonka Ice Cream Review!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Pop-Tarts Parade & (Not so)Spicy Stirfry!

We've had the past-parade, we've had the discontinued show-case and now we'll go ahead and have some current day Pop-Tarts. You know with literally enough Pop-Tarts out there to give us a Pop-Tart for every day of the month, I'm kind of thinking I could probably perpetually write about Pop-Tarts for all eternity. I wish Kellogg's would give me a ring and send me some damn samples so I could review never before seen products like Pop-Tarts Sour Snozzberry Pop-Tarts!

Frosted Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts:
It interests me that Pop-Tarts have recently come into the folds with Ice-Creme Pop-Tarts (Why is it 'creme' and not 'cream'? Is it because the Pop-Tart is a toaster pastry and therefore more likely filled with creme? I guess so, whatever.) - Anyway, the ice-'creme' Pop-Tart is an interesting concept and idea, I really like it personally. What I don't like? Shitty Pop-Tarts.

It's funny that the Pop-Tarts proudly proclaim '25% Less Sugar', who gives a damn when a single one of these motherfuckers is 190 calories and most people are going to shove both pastries included in a wrapped into their gaws? It's also funny that something so potentially delicious is so fuckin' nasty. These glorified biscuits (cookies for you Americans) are nasty and removing 25% of the sugar from them obviously did not help these damn things, they're NASTY, NASTY, NASTY!

Also who the fuck is the 'Other leading toaster pastry'?

Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts:
Pardon me but.. 'Rainbow Cookie Sandwich', I was under the impression that typically a biscuit sandwich ('cookie sandwich', god I hate this half of the article already) was a pair of biscuits with creme wedged between them.. As in not ice-creme because then it was an ice-creme sandwich and we've already done an ice-creme sandwich Pop-Tart. What the hell?

Although this does support my earlier allegation that the Pop-Tart is nothing more than a glorified biscuit ('cookie') because it's in the name right there in front of your eyes. Those of you who would argue with me and say 'The Pop-Tart is a breakfast food' can stuff it, the Pop-Tart is not a breakfast food, it's a gooddamn sweetie. It's junk food flat out.

The product name itself is awesome, Kellogg’s Ice Cream Shoppe Frosted Rainbow Cookie Sandwich Pop-Tarts and I just fucking won every game of Scrabble there ever was with that because as a product I'm pretty sure it's technically one word by virtue that you can't break it into single words and still have it be the product.. Also may I point out the box looks like a Hippie whose diet consists entirely of magic mushrooms shite and puked a rainbow of psychedelic colours all over as the art and that the fumes have stained into the outer layer of the packaging? Seriously..

Let me state right now that if you want to be the bitch of a sugar-high, you need to fucking eat these. Eat nothing else but these and I swear to god you'll be shooting around in the room in no time like a kid having first discovered straight lining with pure concentrated sugar extract.. It makes me apprehensive because the filling is less like ice-creme and more like cake frosting, do you have any clue what sort of shit is in cake frosting? If you did, you probably wouldn't eat it. Careful what labels you read, kids.

And in the end taste-wise? You've had these before at some point in your life, I know you have. Why do I know? I don't need to tell you why, I just need to show you;

It's not a ice-creme sandwich it's a buttercreme biscuit sandwich. The fact of the matter is these don't taste like ice-cream, they taste like cake.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts:
This you gotta know is one that fucked with me. First of all, I'm that elusive and strange species known as the wild female and to be honest for the wild female something like cookie dough is synonymous with comfort.. Have a bad day? Cookie dough is your friend.. Have a fight with your boyfriend? There's nothing you'd rather have than cookie dough.. Just feeling like shite? Well, cookie dough will at least momentarily make you feel better until you consider what you just fucking ate. Point is that this Pop-Tart has MEGA potential.. Or I should say had.

It's sad.. You know I love trying Pop-Tarts frozen from all the times I've mentioned, hell, I love freezing things period, somehow it always or at least 99% of the time makes things better. These were not so..

Maybe I'm just expecting too much but fuck it, it's chocolate chip cookie dough, I expect an explosion of deliciousness and epic that can barely be contained by the shitty chocolate crust.. Sadly that's just what it is sans the deliciousness and epic leaving only shitty off-flavour chocolate crust and the filling is just.. Aimlessly sweet.. That's the best way to describe it..

Unless they've changed the recipe, these are a real disappointment. Not bad but definitely not worth the calories incurred enjoying even half of one. There are after all over a months worth of other and better flavours out there.

Goddamn, I swear. It's impossible to spice something perfectly for this man, James either always thinks that my food is either not spicy or is too spicy, every fucking time. I tried so hard to get a 'middle ground' with this but I failed.. Still, it was a winning dish. Aside from the spice-levels everything else came out perfectly including presentation and it's completely vegan (vegetarian).

It is Supaishichizu Itamemono (Spicy Cheese Stir-fry) and consists of steamed (then fried) rice, broccoli, sweet peas, carrots, mushrooms, and green beans all in a wonderful spiced cheese sauce, the Anpan (Sweet Roll) is a carrot Anpan, and of course the satsumaimomasshu (Sweet Potato Mash) which sports a beautifully melted chocolate vanilla-mallow. Yum yum!

THIRD (Do you smell smoke?) photograph brought to you by SubtleFlames©


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Discontinued Delights 5 (Wonka Edition 2) & Charmed Chicken!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Willy Wonka has got to be a new type of stupid unstable. Not normal 'unstable' whereas you're simply a psychotic loon, stupid unstable in the sense that you're prone to doing things that are sometimes wholly and entirely inexplicably self-destructive.

No one can really know why a person becomes stupid unstable but everyone knows the signs of a person that has become stupid unstable, the signs are quite clear cut and simply stated largely consist of the tendency to do things that have no chance of achieving anything other than harming yourself in the long run. The Willy Wonka Candy Company has achieved this for no matter how cool or integral a candy may be to the company (take the flagship 'Wonka Bar' for instance that they discontinued and I still question what the fuck to) The Willy Wonka Candy Company seems to have a fetish for discontinuing that candy for no apparent reason other than that they simply did.

I will concede in some cases the products they discontinue might not have been the greatest products ever but many of them in their own way were either extremely good, extremely cool or extremely unique and seem like they would be far more an asset alive than dead.. Maybe the Oompa Loompa's are just doing extra lines of crack-cocaine.. Oh, right. Like you thought that was sugar, suuuuuure.

Wonka Nerdalicious:
Honestly this is one of the stranger discontinued products and I'm not really confused or surprised at the fact that it was discontinued. It's not that it was bad, just that even by my standards this one seems a little.. Odd somehow.. I don't quite know how to put my finger on it but there's something very abnormal about it. Perhaps because it seems so much like another product, Nerds Rope but isn't quite there and.. well.. I don't know..

The product here is the Wonka Nerdalicious, it's in it's simplest terms a grape 'liquorice' stick with nerds down the middle of it. Yeah, it's that simple. That's all it is, nothing more and nothing less and while you may think 'But Jade, usually less is more, how could you go wrong with this?' well, I don't really know how to explain it.. It's not really liquorice, it's a grape bastardization and the Nerds in the center.. Bleh.. Just doesn't do it for me, it's like.. Just.. No.. Definitely not losing any sleep over this one being discontinued.

Wonka Tinglerz:
Okay, here's one I can say I don't get why it was discontinued. Wonka Tinglerz were most certainly not bad and were definitely cool. I've expressed my love in the past for popping and fizzing candy and frankly any candy or junk-food that is so interactive with me instantly gains awesome points because let's face it, that's just fucking too cool and rare.. Tinglerz though? They brought it to a new level, they were so fucking cool.

Little pebbles of rice-krispie type crunchies drenched in a chocolate coating with a wonderful popping pop-rocks type candy, these things were just.. just.. yes..

And it surprises me that the actual chocolate of this product wasn't as waxy or cheap as other chocolate in Wonka products, these taste really good and they've even got a nice and unexpectedly pronounced pop especially with the rice-krispie type crunchy which adds a very nice pop to the product without even meaning to.

I don't know if these are actually discontinued, I have reason to believe they are because they've been MIA for years but if you get the chance and happen to somehow find some Tinglerz, GET THEM. They're delicious, awesome and fun! Everything a Wonka Candy should be and they should be marketed more than they are, damn it!

Wonka Exceptionals Fruit Jellies:
This is a recent product that as far as I can tell has been discontinued or really hard to find as well sadly. First of all let me state that these motherfuckers are over wrapped. There's about three or four layers of shit between you and the damn candy and that's if you're having a good day. You might want to just break out a meat-cleaver or katana and slash through the fucking packaging to get to the bastards, it'd be quicker and more efficient.

Now that you've mightily slain your packaging foe you'd find that these little candies are surprisingly square, that's friggin' cool and I don't care who you are. Who makes a square fruit candy? Willy goddamn Wonka, that's who!

They're not gummies, they're jellies and as such their consistency is considerably softer than the gummy candies you'll probably associate them with off first glance. Of course as you can see they come in numerous flavours (some not shown) but those that are shown are Goji Berry, Grape Fruit and Red Apple and flavour-wise they're pretty damn good little jellies.. They'll stick to your teeth which is something I hate but not quite as bad as other jellies I've had in the past so they earn some points on being less about sticking to every corner of your goddamn mouth like some industrial grade adhesive (I've seriously had a permanent retainer torn out of my mouth when I was younger by Dots so I'm a little apprehensive about 'sticky candy'.) and more about being a soft, chewy and sweet candy.

If you can find these, I'd suggest you try them. They're damn good and pretty closely akin to a box of froo-froo expensive French import jellies I have that are just the best damn jellies I've ever tasted and they're cheaper so.. I mean.. You do the math. Totally worth it.

Wonka Puckerooms:

Wonka's Sour Peckerooms, I MEAN PUCKEROO-Ah, fuck it. Here we go.

AHAHAHAHA.. AHAAHAHAAAAHAHAHAHAHAA OMAGAWD, LOOK AT THE SHAPES.. HAHAHAHAHA.. THE OOMPAS FUCKED UP BIG TIME OR WONKA'S BEEN WANKING INTO THE CANDY AGAIN! Hahaha! Oh my god.. Oh my god.. Oh my god.. What more can be said about these? I'm not actually reviewing them, I never had them before they were discontinued. They're just something I knew about that I had to find a way to share because.. Well, duh.. Because you see why.

What. The. Fuck. Wonka? Hahahahahahaaaa!

Orange, Green, Orange, and Green! It's all so beautiful and so perfect! Goddamn! This is Orenjisosu no niwatori no ashi (Orange Sauce Chicken Leg) and I believe is a beautifully flawless meal which once again I've achieved by accident. How'd I do it? Dunno! Wasn't really trying this time, it just flowed; it's my hot-streak I guess.

It's a broiled chicken leg with a delicious honey-glaze and Japanese style Orange Sauce resting on a bed of smashed potatoes and broccoli, an Anpan (Sweet Roll), and as the other side deliciously boiled sweet peas and carrots. Can you not tell me this doesn't look delicious and amazing? I mean honestly.

That chicken alone beckons you, I bet you can nearly smell it's sweet and savoury decadence.. That soft and thoroughly cooked tender and juicy meat.. BLAM!

THIRD (Burn Baby Burn!) photograph brought to you by CATINFERNO!!©

Monday, November 28, 2011

Crazy Candy & Sexy Sandoitchi!

I love candy contrary to popular belief, popular belief being that I'm such a health-nut I'd never in a million years touch the stuff. Well, maybe not never in a million years, more like never in several years but not a million or even a hundred.

I'm very reserved when it comes to eating sweet-stuff, sweet-stuff is meant to be eaten with restraint, that's what I believe and I'll stand by it no matter what. Many people in the world would take well to the quote "Strength in restraint" and would do well to observe some restraint and to approach food with a more conservative and health-minded attitude and thoughtfulness. People need to eat more healthy.

That said, I particularly and specifically love a very certain type of candy. That type? The miniature.

The miniature is perfect, it helps to control portions if eaten thoughtfully and can satisfy cravings without the inevitability of imbibing too many empty calories, it's delicious, and less than half the size so you're not tempted to keep chomping away. I recently received some miniatures from my friend at Walgreens, Mike, a Manager and an awesome guy for Halloween this year. I've been enjoying them a lot and as always, I've been enjoying them frozen.

They're fucking great.

Baby Ruth Mini:
I can't think of or say Baby Ruth in a normal voice/mind voice. Whenever I hear or say Baby Ruth it always comes out with a retard intensity.

That's not my goddamn fault, The Goonies rocked and nothing you say or do will ever change that. Baby Ruth will always be synonymous with a retard mutant screaming at the top of his lungs and loving chocolate in a disturbing fashion. Sloth was the shit.

The candy bar is also surprisingly deadly and I'm pretty sure it's because it's so small and it was frozen, I'd suspect the bigger counter-part to my miniature was slightly less lethal and slightly less dangerous to eat and cut.. I cut it with my super-sharp crazy meat-cleaver that I love cutting things with so and this is what happened;

So right.. They freeze and they become basically projectiles that could concuss a person or leave a small candy-bar shaped hole in their skull if hurled/fired from a sling-shot with enough velocity.. They also shatter like motherfuckers when you try to cut them.. I'm guessing that was the abundance of peanuts in the bar that caused that.. Either way what's there and actually in one piece looks rather nice, doesn't it?

Tasted damn nice too but it's fucking dangerous to eat a frozen Baby Ruth. The aforementioned peanuts and other shite filling it becomes rock fuck hard and will run the risk of shattering your teeth cartoon-style if you bite into it with too much gusto. It kind of caught me off guard and I actually hurt my mouth a bit trying to eat a piece off of it.

First time I've ever had my gums cut by chocolate. Chocolate shivved me. Evidently Baby Ruth is fuckin' Gangsta.

Interestingly when frozen the foamy interior of the bar takes on a cool and hard consistency changing the flavour of the bar big time, it's one of the few chocolate bars whose flavour is really quite radically altered by freezing. It's not bad, it's simply hard; it's actually quite delicious and the peanuts do nicely to set the average sweetness of the bar off making it considerably more enjoyable than it should be.. Baby Ruth weren't ever anything to really go ga-ga over but they're definitely improved with freezing.. Just watch out when you eat one frozen, those peanuts will fuck you up.

I made an oatmeal out of the other half of this bar that I didn't eat, it was pretty goddamn amazing. I tasted a small portion of it.

Almond Joy:
Second and.. Well, it's my favourite. You already know if you've read this blog at all that I love coconut, this is a chocolate bar with shredded coconut filling and an almond inside of it, of course I adore this fucking candy-bar. It's frozen by the way.. Duh..

This one cut a little more agreeably and it's insides revealed it's beautiful frosty frozen coconut filling, god I was drooling a little when I took this picture. I was really looking forward to.. Ahem.. Making this sacrifice for the blog..

Now normally Almond Joy at room temperature are moist and chewy, the chocolate coating manages to keep the coconut inside at a very nice consistency, it's quite enjoyable eaten normally and I think they're absolutely delicious Au-naturale.

Frozen the consistency of the bar changes and it becomes a little more chewy but not hard, it's kind of like a gummy consistency which is actually quite nice because the coolness from the cold transfers through the chocolate and filling and makes it considerably more palatable in my opinion. It's motherfucking delicious.

Still I'd prefer a Mounds and the differences between the two are that while Almond Joy has Almonds, DUH and uses Milk Chocolate, Mounds has none and uses Dark Chocolate. I find the Mounds preferable, I'm not a nut-nut and specifically almonds I could have or do without.. It's just meh.. All that said? These are one of the most grievously unhealthy chocolate bars out there, watch yourself when eating these, especially the full-sized. Miniature is the way to go and be safe. I only ate half of mine.

The oatmeal made out of the half of this bar that I didn't eat was pretty damn good but a little more mellow-tasting than the others. I tasted only small portion of it as well.

Then we've got the worst of the worst, this little offender is the absolute worst candy-bar on the list. A Butterfinger candy-bar is a candy-bar for when you want something that has no nutritional value whatsoever and is strictly and blatantly a guilty pleasure. That's absolutely what a Butterfinger is, for gods sakes the word 'butter' is in the name.

That said of course, I really like Butterfingers; I'm a big fan of peanut-butter.

Butterfingers are candy-bars with delicious peanut-brittle style cores surrounded by a thin 'shell' of milk-chocolate and they're fucking delicious is what they are. The difference between the texture in the thin and soft chocolate and the hard, flaky, and peanut-buttery brittle is brilliant, this one of course was frozen and when frozen the Butterfinger becomes even more brittle but takes on that coolness that just increases it palatable nature and increases the enjoyment factor of this candy-bars for me ten fold. God a frozen Butterfinger is good.

Like the Baby Ruth however the Butterfinger becomes considerably more difficult to cut and the peanut-brittle becomes a lot more hard and brittle when it's frozen. Cutting the bastard caused portions of it to disintegrate and the damage is actually a lot worse than you can see in the photograph because when I tried to pick up the two pieces the bottom completely fell apart.

In the end the texture and consistency of the peanut-buttery brittle and the soft chocolate is what makes a Butterfinger really stand out and freezing the Butterfinger only serves to increase it's uniqueness, it's unique from other candy-bars because there's no other candy-bar texturally or taste-wise like it. The Butterfinger is amazingly delicious and you better not lay a finger on my Butterfinger.

Like the others I made an oatmeal out of half of this bar for James and I tasted it. It was amazing, the BEST out of the mix I think.

Crunch Bar:
I don't know how this slipped my attention but apparently these miniature Nestle Crunch Bars managed to slide under my radar and I only recently remembered I had them after doing the Butterfinger.

Honestly I like Nestle Crunch Bars, I think they're really good. I think they're good room-temperature and I think they're great frozen and for those uninitiated, the Crunch Bar is a chocolate bar whose basic make-up consists of rice-style puffs with a nice and tasty milk-chocolate providing a.. Well.. Duh.. Very nice crunchy consistency. This candy-bar also cut considerably better than the others being as it's milk-chocolate is very agreeable.

You can imagine then with such crunch (and it does in fact have crunch) that the crunchy consistency of the candy-bar would only be enhanced by freezing it. You'd be right, freezing it makes it ten times more epic as freezing most candy-bars does in my opinion. This little motherfucker was delicious when frozen, the crunchy rice-bits inside taking on that ever-loved cold and frostiness that makes it sooooo palatable. It feels so nice on the tongue and tastes amazing. The slight undertones of salty flavour provided by the crunchy rice krispie like innards also are slightly enhanced by the freezing and that's always nice plus can I mention that I just love the packaging?

So very retro and so very cool. The Crunch Bar is awesome and I have no complaints on this, point in fact.. Making oatmeal with this it came out as probably the best oatmeal that I've made out of all the candy-bar oatmeals, I tasted a little of it before serving it to James and I've got to say, it was delicious. The Nestle Crunch Bar may be the clear winner of the four miniatures in spite of everything and personal feelings. This just worked well and tasted divine.

Age sake no kirimi no sandoitchi (Fried Salmon Filet Sandwich), it's a simple dish, it's an awesome dish, it came out perfectly. A home-made bun perfectly baked, the salmon filet beautifully fried up to a golden brown texture with a home-made panko (breadcrumb) batter, a home-made cheese Japanese Tar-tar Sauce, and Nori (Dried-seaweed) sitting upon the salmon fillet to act as it's 'lettuce' - This was an epic dinner and I know for a fact it was delicious, James' mouth has nary been so full in the past; he was wolfing this motherfucker down.

It cooked perfect, looked perfect, the presentation was spot on, the Anpan (Sweet Roll) came out flawlessly, and the little french fries that accompanied it? They smelled heavenly and I'm sure they were flawless as well! What can I say? Bad ass meal! Look at that shit! LOOK AT IT!

You can't fucking tell me you don't want to eat this. You can't tell me you don't wish this wasn't sitting in front of you right now! And if you can't tell, I'm really proud of this one!

THIRD (Blammo!) photograph brought to you by I'MBURNINGUP!©


Discontinued Delights 4 (Wonka Edition) & Brilliant Beef!

I love Willy Wonka.

The Willy Wonka Candy Company, established in 1971 to coincide with the film adaptation of the book and bought in 1988 by Nestle, it's the biggest and most extravagant example of a movie-tie in that exists and in fact the Willy Wonka Candy Company sells or has acquired many products that either originated in the books or later films in real-life, that's pretty damn cool if you ask me. Do they actually have Oompa Loompas? Who knows? The Willy Wonka Candy Company does however consistently pump out some pretty impressive and cool candies and confections that none can deny are a bit.. Unusual.. And rightfully so because they're created by the Willy Wonka Candy Company, let's look at a few discontinued past favourites.

Wonka Dweebs:
Introduced in the early 1990s, Dweebs were marketed as 'cousins to Nerds' and were larger, softer and chewier versions of the popular candy, frankly I think Dweebs were better. I prefer the chew of a Dweeb to the crunch of a Nerd and I like being able to say that too.

Coming in four flavours I can remember including Orange, Strawberry, Cherry and Punch Dweebs were tasty little fuckers that never quite caught on mostly due to their inability to distance themselves from their cousin brand and that brands affect on their popularity. Dweebs never quite got to selling the way they should have and those who associated Dweebs with Nerds would often simply opt to get the brand they knew IE Nerds instead of taking a risk and trying a Dweeb. A shame because the Dweeb was a delicious and enjoyable little snack. I miss their chewiness and frankly I just don't care for Nerds, Dweebs will always have been more enjoyable and satisfying.

Wonka Tart 'n' Tinys:
Launched in the 1980s Tart 'n' Tinys survived until the 1990s and were a kind of chalky candy with a firm crunch that would satisfyingly crumble in the mouth, similar to SweeTarts or Smarties, their flavour variations grape, lemon, orange, cherry, and lime.

These were quite tasty little treats and I'm not sure why they were discontinued, it probably had something else to do with Nerds which strangely seem to carry some abnormal popularity in spite of my dislike for them.. You know, I probably dislike them simply because so many other people love them.. Well no, that's not the reason it's more that I dislike them because I dislike their taste, consistency and size but the fact that the damn things have gotten other candies discontinued bothers me.

A close and similar product to the earlier Dweebs was released in Chewy Tart 'n' Tinys but was sadly discontinued shortly thereafter.

It's a crying shame too. R.I.P Chewy Tart 'n' Tiny's, you were truly delicious and awesome. I loved your chewiness.

Wonka Oompas:
Now I'm becoming convinced that the Willy Wonka Candy Company has some strange vendetta against any chewy candy they release because the Oompas were wonderful huge balls of delicious chewy fruitiness coming in the flavours of Green Apple, Cherry, Lemon, Orange, Grape, and Strawberry.

Three or so times the size of the average M&M the Oompa was a wonderfully over sized candy that started out very sweet when you first start chewing and gradually got slightly more sour turning more gummy rather than grainy like you'd get chewing something like a Skittle. The consistency and texture was quite enjoyable in these and they were so large that they were definitely more enjoyable to me. Oompas though were discontinued as well for some strange reason.

Wonka Bar:
Wait, what? You must be voicing the question 'But Jade, did the Willy Wonka Candy Company actually discontinue the Wonka Bar? The candy bar that started it all?' and now I have to answer.. Yes, yes they did.. Launched in 1976, the candy survived until 2010 when strangely it was actually discontinued.

Yes, as confusing as it is, the Wonka Bar, the very same bar of chocolate that the whole goddamn film is based around and is key was discontinued.. What.. The.. Fuck?

It's weird because while the Wonka Bar itself was in fact quite weird it wasn't necessarily bad, just unusual. Very unusual as the bar itself is a cheap sort of strangely textured milk chocolate, again not bad, just unusual and the chocolate has sort of abnormal wafer-like graham cracker chunks inside of it that were slightly more soft in consistency than what you'd expect from a graham cracker and the bar itself has a very odd smell that's not good or bad.. Very umh.. Cinnamon vanilla-ish with the definite smell of the chocolate accompanying it of course.. Again, very strange..

The key points about this bar is that it's strange, it's unusual and abnormal. The Wonka Bar wasn't bad but I suspect that it's strangeness is what lead it to being discontinued, few people want to try something so out of the norm for a chocolate bar and even though I approve since it's Willy Wonka and it's supposed to be fucking weird, others don't seem to share my love for strange and abnormal candies and so.. The Wonka bar as of 2010 is discontinued.. As much as I cannot believe that I have to state that.. They discontinued their flagship, the fuck?

BLAM! Babekyu gyudon! (Barbeque Beef-bowl), a traditional Japanese meal and something that came out perfectly again! There was something special about this meal too was that the barbeque sauce was specially made by me (homemade) and was a barbeque duck-sauce that was super-savoury, super-tasty, and that I was super proud of!

Anpan? (Sweet Roll) perfect! and the satsumaimomasshu? Topped with a chocolate vanilla swirlmallow, delliiiiiciiioooous! All amazing!

The main dish itself was beautiful, it's of course doused in my special barbeque duck-sauce and consists of some delightful broccoli, carrots, noodles, mushrooms, and beef, all cooked itamemono (stir-fry) style and then served up into a big bowl. James was really into this meal and even if he hadn't been I would have been super proud of it but the fact that he was elevated it to EPIC levels.

THIRD (BOOYAH!) photograph brought to you by SOMEBODY STOP ME!(But don't actually because I'm enjoying myself with this win-streak.)©


Saturday, November 26, 2011

Random Racism & Spiced Sakana!

(Translation Note: 'Sakana' means fish.)

It's great, from time to time we'll get products that are just wonderfully racist and they're not even trying to be. You know they're not trying to be because, well.. A company would have to be insane and self-destructive in this day and age to actually behave or market racially, they'd be torn apart by the media and consumer alike and rightfully so. I'm not a racist myself, I'm an equal opportunity hater. Blacks, whites, Mexicans, Latinos, and whatever else the fucked up mix or race may be, I'll hate you all if you act like douche-bags.

Thankfully we're not actually talking about hate here, we're talking about hilarity. Racism is funny because it's stupid, it's stupid especially if it's being taken seriously or someone is genuinely being racist because they themselves are proving their ignorance.. So please take a chill pill, sit back, relax and prepare to fill your vision with the funny fuck-ups of our corporate friends. All I have to say is way to go, guys. Foot bullet. That is all.

Kreme Krunch Kone:
The delightfully racist little mascot for Krispy Kreme Krunch, this little motherfucker is a vanilla ice-cream cone who sports a nice old-timey suit and represents a product whose shortened abbreviation is KKK - Need I say more? I realize it was 1965 when this cereal was released but that seems more of a reason to avoid the racist under-tones. Seriously, what were they thinking?

..Still though, that's great.

Oreo Barbie:
Hahaha, oh Nabisco. You rascal of a company, of course with Oreo's, a largely dark cookie the Barbie that represents it has gotta be a darkie herself. It only makes sense, I mean look. Those dark tones over-come and suppressed by the white over-tones around it and the fact that it's a black cookie? Come on, be reasonable.

..Is this supposed to suggest she's a Vigger since the cookie is black on the outside and white on the inside? (well blacks get to call whites wiggers so what's a black-person who acts white? If a whites a wigger then a blacks a vigger (vanilla nigger) oh my god, yes I said the N-word. Deal with it. It's said in jest.)

Quaker Life Cereal:
How did the marketing meeting for this cereal go exactly? Was your marketing by chance Uncle Ruckus of The Boondocks fame because that's the only conceivable reason or excuse I can think of or even begin to conceive for a company to do this and not realize or think it was a horrible idea. Here we've got nice vanilla Life Cereal and of course on it we're gonna have a nice little white mom and child and on the Maple & Brown Sugar? (ATTENTION: YOU WILL NOW READ THIS IN UNCLE RUCKUS' VOICE) DARK CEREAL FOR DARKIES! Be damned little heathen niglet chilren!

..Yea, I'm done. I'm going to get shot for this article, I know it.

Post Rice Krinkles:
Post Rice Krinkles cereal, introduced in the 1960s and the predecessor to Post Fruit Pebbles, that's their mascot; their rice-selling, squint eyed mascot named So-Hi complete with high-pitched Chinese accent and a hat which was actually a bowl of the cereal. Somehow I'm inclined to think the reason this cereal was discontinued in favour of Pebbles was somewhat obvious.. Then again, Fruity Pebbles was endorsed by Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble who would have gladly hawked your kids some nice cancer-sticks.


Course while not racist the later commercial and mascot was no less worse and considerably more nightmare fuel. Great idea, Post. Let's have IT sell your fucking cereal. "The cereal floats in milk. We all float in milk down here."  



Yeah.. Nothing more.. Sorry, can't form eloquent or meaningful speech. Laughing too hard. Dying of asphyxiation from laughter.. Must..wrhibonm ,n

And a couple of hours later after blacking out I finally come to and I have this;


Museums just became a whole lot more awesome.
"We're just starting off the World Cup here, folks and the score is currently zerOh... Shit.."

...Wow, really? ....Awesome

A great place to live translates to "90% Less Crime!" - I'm kidding of course.

And yet another good reason why Walgreens rocks.

Fuckin' A, again we have a perfect meal that I can't complain about at all. Check this shit out, right down to the colour of the main dish everything is perfect. This is Supaishina sakana itame (Spicy Fish Stir-fry) and well.. Although it was delicious I managed to under spice it and it didn't have much heat so I guess I can kind of complain about it.. FUCK OFF!

I always manage to either under spice or over spice my dishes when they're meant to be hot. It's goddamn vexing. James has a very weird 'in-between' state for spicy and it fucks with me, IT FUCKS WITH ME.

So pretty.

Side dishes of course were Anpan (Sweet Roll) and satsumaimomasshu with cinnamonbunmallows.

THIRD (Continued Luck!!) photograph brought to you by UnspicyDamnIt©


Pop-Tarts Past Parade 2 & Eggy Eggscelence

More Pop-Tarts! More, more, more! Nary is there a product in the history of man-kind that has more flavour and type variations than the beloved Pop-Tart. An alleged 'breakfast pastry' the Pop-Tart is in truth a glorified biscuit (cookie for you Americans) that has been done in virtually every way possible. Why? Because they motherfucking sell. They sell like hot-cakes which is ironic because I'm pretty sure a few of them have been hot-cakes. Everyone loves Pop-Tarts, you can't deny it. Whether you love them simply for being delicious and hate them for being so unbelievably unhealthy for you, you still love them in some way. There's something magical about a Pop-Tart that is just right.

It should be no surprise then with at current count over thirty Pop-Tart flavours on the market, literally enough to have a different flavour every day of the month that there have been a fair share of Pop-Tart flavours and Pop-Tart products that have been thrown into the list of snacky death that is the discontinued product list. Not all of them were bad, some of them were quite good and it's because of that reason that we will touch upon them.. For good or bad these products deserve to be remembered and as we continue forward, we'll also gaze a little into the future of the Pop-Tart Pastry.

Apple Cinnamon Pop-Tarts:
In 2007 the flavour of Apple Cinnamon was released by Pop-Tarts and I'm not sure if you can tell but it was a tad different from your average Pop-Tart in the way that instead of normal frosting it had a sort of cinnamon crumble frosting glazing it, honestly? It was kind of like a little mini-pie and it was kind of awesome.

Warm these were great, the gooey filling inside became.. Well.. Very.. NHHRRRRRRRR... Gooey.. sigh.. But it was most delicious when you froze it.. Do I really need to spell it out to you? Chilled, cool and refreshing cinnamon apple ooze that's nearly got the consistency of an ice-cream inside a nice, cool and fresh biscuit? Oh yeah, that's tasty. They're discontinued now but there are some replacement flavours for them.. Not quite as good but acceptable if you need Apple Cinnamon.

Trust me, Apple Strudel is definitely worth it to replace the cinnamon apple flavour, it doesn't quite touch the same level for me but it's certainly one of the best Pop-Tart flavours out there and isn't discontinued yet.

Pop-Tarts Pastry Swirls:
Of course if you want another replacement for the Apple Cinnamon Pop-Tarts then you'll need to look no further than the Pop-Tarts Apple Cinnamon Pastry Swirls, while not a true Pop-Tart, they are apple cinnamon and they are similar. They would be anyway if it weren't for the fact that they once more were DISCONTINUED, WHY!?

...Well to be honest it probably has to do with the fact that they carry the Pop-Tart name but they aren't actually Pop-Tarts if I had to guess. People tend to be strangely iffy about something that carries a brand-name but isn't what that brand-name is specifically known as being.. Take the awesome past product that was Count Chocula Ice-Pops which I've written about in the past, although an epic idea, the product wasn't really latched onto and the reason is probably because people want the cereal and don't want to take the chance on a different and riskier product, riskier in the sense that you may like it and it may taste like a fucking brick with shite spread on it in the shape of buttered toast. Yeah, I've had things that bad in the past..

Anyway the actual Swirls came in a variety of flavours most of which were pretty good and while not actual Pop-Tarts they were very dessert like and very good. It's a shame they were done away with.. The flavours included Strawberry, Apple Cinnamon, Cheese Danish, Cheese and Cherry and Cinnamon Creme Danish - Believe me, the cheese fruit variations were heavenly.

Pop-Tarts Mini Crisps:

Okay so these would be really good news, really great news if it weren't for the fact that they're crap. It's sad because Kellogg's actually tried to make a Pop-Tart product that was healthy but these aren't Pop-Tarts, they're more akin to biscuits (Again, 'cookies' for you American termers) and they're super sweet to the point of being a little off-putting, the strawberry being worse than the chocolate sweetness wise.. Oh also? They don't have a filling center, what's the fucking point? You know.. If something is sold under the Pop-Tarts logo I maybe might be a bit of a hypocrite for saying this because of what I said above but I expect it to at least have a gooey center, that's something that should be compulsory for anything Pop-Tart branded.. At least the swirls had a gooey center..

What really pisses me off about these? They had the potential to be the new Pop-Tarts Crunch if you were smart enough and saw the potential which I did. Sadly they suck.. I wouldn't mind if they were discontinued, they're a real let down in more than one way.

Pop-Tarts Cookie and Creme:
I didn't fucking know, oh my god. They're out there! You will no doubt remember my Review of Nabisco Kool Stuf in which I sung the praises of the Oreo toaster-pastry, well.. I've recently found this.. The Oreo toaster-pastry is not dead!? Where can I get these!? Why haven't I seen them!? Tell me they're not discontinued! I need them! I NEED THEM! Oh my god to have another frozen Oreo toaster-pastry! I can only hope that some day I'm able to find and afford a box of these, to have something so close to the Kool Stuf! I NEED TO GET THESE AND REVIEW THEM AND ALL WILLING, ONE DAY I SHALL!

Another simple dish but another dish that damn, I just gotta say; I'm back on my stride.. This shit is good, Nigga. REAAAAL GOOOOOOD!

This is a simple Omuraisu dish, Omuraisu is usually a Japanese Omelet filled with fried rice except in this case I cooked the Omelet separate and steamed the rice rather than fried it. I also didn't fill the Omelet with the rice (Side note, those are some crunchy noodles on top of it.). Topping it is a nice Oyster Japanese Ketchup and the sides are a cheese-filled Anpan (Sweet Roll) and a chocolate vanillamallow topped satsumaimomasshu (Sweet Potato Mash)

Simple as it is I'm very proud of it, it looked great and James voiced some definite enthusiasm over it. That added to my pride, I'm definitely grinning as I type this.

THIRD (Great Luck!) photograph brought to you by CHICKENBUTT.©