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Wednesday, August 1, 2012

REVIEW: Fiber One 90 Calorie Brownies Chocolate Chip Cookies

Hah! And I thought the last one was long, Fiber One 90 Calorie Brownies Chocolate Chip Cookies! FUCK ALL that's an intrusively long name, son of a bitch you people are gonna put someone's eye out with that bastard of a name!

By the way at this point I think I've eaten enough Fiber that I'm probably going to be shitting wicker furniture for the remainder of the week.. I wonder if that's considered to be recycling? WOULD CAPTAIN PLANET BE PROUD OF ME FOR SHITTING MY OWN FURNITURE OUT?!

....That could be construed as a look of pride, couldn't it? ..Let's go with that because apparently the Power is mine!

So Fiber One has more product on the market than a single entity should have, I've seen Brownies, 'Health Bars' (Snack Bars), Cereal, Muffins, Pancakes, Toaster Pastries, and fuck.. I'm not even done naming, I'm not gonna bother getting done naming because son of a bitch is that a lot of Fiber, screw shitting wicker furniture, I'll be passing a whole goddamned tree if I try to review even a quarter of these products in too short a time. Goddamn!

Confession time, honestly this one scares me. It's claiming to be a 'Brownie' but displays Chocolate Chip Cookie on the package? I get that it's a Chocolate Chip Cookie Brownie but it's package seems to suggest it has some identity issues, I'm beginning to doubt it's integrity right away and with the 'meh' taste of the other Fiber One Bar I've tried I'm feeling apprehensive about something that's supposed to be a sweet treat, I don't want my sweet treat to disappoint me to the point that I want to forcibly rend it from my own stomach to extract the Calories that could have been spent on something else that's more deserving.. But it's for the blog, what the fuck.. Let's do this thing..

The wrapping reveals that these are definitely appearing to display some identity issues, I mean.. Take a look at the wrapping, look at it close.. You can barely discern the vague reading of 'Brownie' under the word Calorie and that's really hard to make out because it's in this sky blue that almost blends in with the packaging.. Are you trying to hide the fact that you're meant to be a Brownie and make me foolishly expect you to be a Biscuit or something? OH PARDON, COOKIE FOR THE U.S., fuck that shit, it's properly called a Biscuit.

Opening the wrapping reveals a surprisingly moist 'Brownie' thingy that is almost too delicate for it's own good, see that left corner closest to the bottom of the wrapper? If you look close you can see a little crack there where an edge of the 'Brownie' thingy actually came away from the rest of the 'Brownie' thingies body and had to be surgically Frankenstein'd back onto the body of the product.. Yeah product, I'm getting tired of saying 'Brownie' thingy, what?

Though it's moistness and softness does mean that it was blessedly easy to cut into, I actually pressed too hard with the knife and was surprised that the blade went straight through it like it was warm butter.. Son of a bitch are these things ever light and fluffy feeling, I mean.. A few steps away probably from being Cotton Candy and wouldn't that be an interesting flavour? Chocolate Chip 'Brownie' Thingy Cotton Candy!

As for the taste?

Surprisingly it was good, I mean damn good, I wasn't expecting the intrusive Chocolaty punch that this little 'Brownie' thingy packs, I mean we're talking definitive Chocolateness in this 'Brownie' thingy, it's super sweet and super Chocolaty and even the drizzles impart some flavour which really caught me off guard.. The body of the 'Brownie' thingy itself is actually very Biscuit-like tasting while maintaining a super fluffy, moist, and soft Brownie-like consistency and body, it chews all together into one melted mess of gooey slimy ooze which you almost want to disgustingly hold in your mouth for the rest of the day just for the sake of the flavour of the Chocolate but sadly ultimately had to be swallowed.. That or utilized as false vomit which probably would have worked pretty damn good.

Fiber One 90 Calorie Brownies Chocolate Chip Cookies gets a rating of 8.0/10 Big Cat Paws, surprisingly flavourful, this is definitely worth 90 Calories and is an excellent fix for that moment when you just need a sweetie.

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