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Tuesday, August 14, 2012

REVIEW: Kosher Dairy Original Gourmet Lollies (Lemon Meringue Pie & Cherry Cheesecake)

Pie is awesome, you know it's true and I know it's true, resistance is futile and denying it only reveals your inability to be truthful and honest, you're lying through your goddamned teeth if you say that you don't love pie, even health-nuts secretly love pie and I'm a living and breathing example of that fact.


You know what too? I fucking love the fact that in recent years people have figured some magical way to create pie flavoured sweeties and things like gum.. Apple Pie Gum? Thank you, yes and ohmagawd you're amazing, Extra. Keep making delicious shit into gum and give me some new flavours now.


The first flavour I have here is a Pie flavour! Lemon Meringue to be specific and I've got to say, it's quite vibrant.. I mean look at that oppressive colour, holy shit it's almost blinding, that's completely retarded.


As seems to be customary for these the Lollie itself is wrapped so goddamned tightly I had to eviscerate the cellophane wrapper from the candy, it was not a pretty sight and was quite frustrating, I can't believe that I have to put this much effort into unwrapping a sweetie, I really wish they'd wrap these a little more loosely but I guess whatever machine they have doing it doesn't understand that the Lollie doesn't need to be constricted to the point of Candy asphyxiation.

Flavour-wise? I was immediately rather disappointed with this flavour, it actually doesn't taste like pie at all, the first flavour you get is a very artificial and slightly chemically Lemon flavour, the same type of Lemon you'd expect from a cheap Lemon flavoured Lollie of lesser variety such as perhaps a simple 'Dum Dum' Lollie and that's not something I'm pleased to see in something that's supposed to be 'Gourmet' - Specifically there's no discernible flavour in the white swirls of the Lollie either..

All in all? This disappointing flavour receives a rating of 2.0/10 Big Cat Paws - I wouldn't go the Lemon Meringue Pie route, it doesn't even taste like Pie or even really much like Lemon..


Next flavour is Cherry Cheesecake and I've got to stop and question, really? Cherry Cheesecake? The fuck?

Wouldn't it be more along Cheesecake lines to make it Strawberry or something? I can't say in honesty that I've ever encountered a Cherry Cheesecake, I've encountered Strawberry but never Cherry.. Furthermore is it just me or does 'Cheesecake' often feel like it should be a Pie?

Well it does to me! And that's why I'm including it in this review volley because honestly Cheesecake in my book should be and might as well be a damned Pie, Cake is... Y'know.. Cakey and thicker.. Hell most of the time Cheesecake in my experience is even served in a goddamned Pie dish, fucking seriously gonna call that a Cake?


Again the wrapping is so goddamned tight that I was about to take a hatchet or chainsaw to this motherfucker!

Once I finally got it unwrapped I gave it a quick taste and finally, HOLY SHIT, all my work and struggling to unwrap was made worth it because this thing tastes amazing. Yes I cannot comprehend but somehow the flavour of the white is honestly that of Cheesecake, it's the same unique and creamy flavour that you expect from Cheesecake that only comes from Cheesecake. There's nothing else but Cheesecake that actually tastes like Cheesecake and further one thing I was equally amazed by and found spectacular and shocking was the fact that the red, the Cherry flavour actually tastes like Cherry and not in a chemical or artificial way, it tastes like Maraschino Cherries, like fresh ones and that just flat out blows my goddamned mind!

Kosher Dairy Original Gourmet Lollies Cherry Cheesecake flavour gets a rating of 9.5/10 Big Cat Paws - This is one of the best flavours I've tried so far! WOW!

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