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Monday, August 13, 2012

REVIEW: Mackers (McDonalds) Apple Pie

Fucking can't believe I'm doing this but I'm indulging, it's been over two decades since the last time I've eaten anything from a Mackers but goddamn it, I was brought home an Apple Pie and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it sit there and rot.. My sado-masochistic personality is too twisted to let me avoid this thing, health forgive me..


Now for those that don't know Mackers is also known as 'McDonald's' by Americans, I calls it Mackers myself, that's Oz Slang and therefore.. Well.. 'Nuff said..


I'm noticing something right now 'Wake up to our great taste', you display three items.. A whole Orange or Grapefruit, one cut in half, and a Hardboiled Egg and I'm immediately left to question; when the fuck have you people ever served this shit? I've never seen a Hardboiled Egg from Mackers nor have I seen any whole Fresh Fruit - No you bastards find a way to make even the most healthy of shit into unhealthy aberrations.. But whatever..


First things first about this, there's something here on this box I didn't notice immediately, I don't know why.. It should have stood out big time but it didn't, I didn't see it at all and it'd lead up to an epiphany moment later on..


Taking the Pie out I notice it still looks as I remember it.. Disturbingly artificial and unnatural to the point that I'm shaking my head, looking at the Dog, and rethinking this - Maybe I should feed the fucker to the pooch and get one later if the Dog doesn't die from it? But no.. I'm in this too deep already and admittedly the thing smells pretty damn good, it's amazing how something that repulses me so deeply and totally can smell so unbelievably delicious.. And it is strong, Mackers really needs to consider coming out with an air-spray or some sort of candles or something that smell like their Apple Pies, I'm fairly certain they'd make a goddamned killing.


Halving the Pie I peek in and verify, yep.. This is the Pie I remember, looks identical to any other I could have bought two decades ago and that scares me because someone if my Hardee's Hash Rounds are any indication probably actually has a two decade old Apple Pie somewhere - Fuck me that's creepy.. Whatever.. The things not too horribly and oppressively warm so I give it a bite aaaand..

MOTHERFUCKING SWEET CHEESUS GRILLED GODDAMNED SANDWICH OF CHRIST IT'S TURNED MY FUCKING TONGUE TO ASH WITH IT'S MOLTEN INNARDS!!!!!

The deceptive little fucker was almost cold on the outside, basically room temperature and still the inside is hotter than a molten lava flow, what the shit Mackers?! WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?!

..Then I notice something else... After my tongue regenerates from it's ashen pile at least and that's the fact that this is surprisingly doughy and tastes different from what I recall.. That's when I glance down at the box and notice it states 'Baked', what seriously? They're fucking Baked now? I remember they used to be Fried and they tasted pretty damn good.. They were fucking horrible beyond horrible for you of course but they tasted pretty good - These are Baked and they still taste very good just.. A little different..

The mix of Apple and Molten goddamned ash your tongue Apple Goo Slime Lava shit inside is nice and to be honest I rather fancy the doughy outside, it minces and melds nicely with the Apple shit - All in all I can't really taste if they used any Spice like Cinnamon in this, it's just a general oozy Apple Sweetness..

Mackers BAKED Apple Pie gets a rating of 7.2/10 Big Cat Paws - A considerably more pleasant experience than I'd been expecting..



WHICH IS FINE BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOUR DAMN DIRTY CHEEZBURGER, I WANTED AN APPLE PIE AND I GOT ONE!

Given you nearly scarred me for life and robbed me of my tongue but still, WHAT NOW, BASTARDS?! I survived and got my sugary fix! HAH I SAY, HAH!

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