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Friday, August 31, 2012

RANDOM REVIEW: Easter Treats! 3

Chocolate is awesome, you love it, I love it, and retards love it, Forrest Gump is proof enough of that for me.


CHOCOLATE! CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOLAAAAATE!!!!

Gotta wonder how Gump would have handled that guy, I'd be curiously standing by wondering if after the outburst Gump would quickly do what I'd do and segue into the territory of Shrimp, Shrimp-kabobs, Shrimp Creole, Shrimp Gumbo. Pan Fried, Deep Fried, Stir-fried. There's Pineapple Shrimp, Lemon Shrimp, Coconut Shrimp, Pepper Shrimp, Shrimp Soup, Shrimp Stew, Shrimp Salad, Shrimp and Potatoes, Shrimp Burger, Shrimp Sandwich... Holy fuck that's a lot of Shrimp..

The products I'm reviewing today aren't Shrimp however..


No in fact the first product I'm reviewing is the Palmer Bunny Bunch Fudge Double Crisp which is a strange net-sack which I choose to think of as having been utilized to capture these wild Chocolates that holds them in captivity for their time of judgment.. Which.. Is pretty much right now..


I'm not quite sure what to expect from 'Fudge Double Crisps', I know Palmer has the reputation and in the past has always seemed to make fairly exceptional Chocolate and Chocolate-like products so I'm not too worried about the taste but now something does actually concern me and that's the shoddy way these are put together, they look like shite and this is not something I'm accustomed to seeing from Palmer which has set up red-flags in my head right away.. Honestly the wrappings here are so poorly executed that I'm growing paranoid of this product before even unwrapping it..


The paranoia doesn't dissipate either but rather grows when they're unwrapped, look at them, they're hideous aberrations of their presumed glory and their presumed glory wasn't even that glorious to begin with, these things are motherfucking hideous and I've got news for you, if you're going to claim 'Oh Jade, that's just because they're left over from Easter', no, bullshit. Chocolate doesn't do this that quickly, I know. I've had Chocolate in the past that was a year old and the shit didn't look as bad as these.

You think they look bad? I was expecting with a name like 'Fudge Double Crisp' that they'd be, y'know.. Fudge? And full of crispy chunks of Fluffed Rice, right? WRONG! They're shite, they taste like bottom of the barrel knock-off Chocolate, the type of shit that isn't actually Chocolate that they pawn off on stupid kids that don't know any better and would eat anything with even the slightest trace of Sugar in it and be happy, these are ABSOLUTE SHIT, the 'Chocolate' is just generally bland and gross and almost waxy in consistency, not to mention the fact that there's very little 'Crisp' to be spoken of to the point in fact that it wasn't even noticeable, I'm not certain there was any 'Crisp' actually present in these.

Palmer Bunny Bunch Fudge Double Crisps get a rating of 1.0/10 Big Cat Paws - Disgusting, not worth your time, and not even something that rightfully should be pawned off on kids. I'm disappointed in you, Palmer!


And after the Palmer fiasco I needed something to bring my spirits up so I chose to review this, the Hershey's Milk Chocolate 'Bunny', yes, just 'Bunny'.. Whatever.. It's not like you can do a whole lot to fuck a Bunny up, I mean.. It's Chocolate and Milk Chocolate at that and unlike Palmer now I can't actually recall a point in time when Hershey's Chocolate has betrayed me quite so profoundly so I'm trudging on with hopeful optimism..


And it's rewarded! What a beautiful Bunny with such amazing detail, eat that Palmer! Wait.. No don't actually eat that, it's mine, fuck off!

As I'm staring down at this Bunny I'm realizing that it's a little too detailed and that it's face is a bit.. Spawn Of Satan-esque, I mean nothing that smiles like that and looks so innocent can be good news, right? OH GOD IT BLINKED! WQGEHRHEHYR21


Don't worry, readers! Nothing to panic about, before it could move I thrust my handy knife right into it's goddamned heart and pinned the little fucker squarely, it's dead now and it can be safely reviewed without concerns of it somehow lunging on me or eating my tongue out of my mouth when I try to eat it.

And unsurprisingly it's goddamned delicious! I mean this is the Milk Chocolate you get in a Hershey's Milk Chocolate Bar of course which is not necessarily a bad thing, it's just what you would expect and therefore a little more predictable than some other things I've reviewed in the past, still thoroughly delicious.

Creamy and sweet Milk Chocolate melts in your mouth with your every chew and coats your tongue and the inside of your mouth in a delightful cascade of deliciousness which makes me start to consider consuming my own tongue in the melee - Fortunately I didn't actually go with this impulse desire, I suspect if I followed my impulse desires more often than choosing not to that I'd probably be facing some pretty wicked and hardcore wounds, I'm often tempted by impulse to do rather.. Uh.. Fucking stupid things for lack of a better description..

The Hershey's Milk Chocolate Bunny in all it's delicious, predictable, and horrifyingly deceptive living detailed glory gets a rating of 6.5/10 Big Cat Paws - Just make sure to have a combat implement handy when you open it so you can ensure you get it before it gets you.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

REVIEW: Keebler Vanilla Wafers

Vanilla Wafers; the simple words bring to mind typically Banana Pudding for most people, Banana Pudding in which the moist little Biscuits are delicately strewn and intertwined into the mix providing a harmonious Vanilla injection into the delicious Potassium rich Pudding, right?

Well not for me.. For me it's more like a cacophony of fucking chaos but that's a story for another time, the aberrant Banana Pudding that would NOT die!

...For me it seems that every time I open a box of goddamned Vanilla Wafers they're always and without fail stale ( Bitch I make a rhyme every time, I'm a lyrical miracle mah Niggah! ), for this reason every time I open a box of Vanilla Wafers one may notice a particular unstable twitch in my eyes as I stare down at the box and inevitably as if wielding huge Wolverine meat-hands with Adamantium claws coming from them eviscerate the box like it were goddamned wet tissue... I swear I can't open things for shit..


It's also true that these little Biscuit bastards are uncommonly addictive, addictive in the sense that yes while I actually can eat one Vanilla Wafer just like I can eat one Potato Chip, I don't want to eat just one and I often choose not to. I DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING EXPLAIN MYSELF TO YOU PEOPLE!


Now usually I would state some useless trivia about the Keebler Brand Vanilla Wafer, truth is there is none. THERE'S LITERALLY NO GODDAMNED INFORMATION RELATED TO THESE READILY AVAILABLE and fuck you right in the nose if you think I'm going to go to the trouble of emailing Keebler just to ask them to give me the histo.. Oh whatever, fine..

After giving it a try this is the response I got;

Jade,

Thank you for contacting us concerning Keebler® Vanilla Wafers.

You may contact our Media Line at 269-961-3799 for more information.

We appreciate your interest in our company and products.


Sincerely,


Katy H.
Consumer Specialist
Consumer Affairs

TLXKXH01/cl
026034455A

...Seriously? ...You fuckers want me to call you after emailing you when it would be just as easy for you to provide me information over an email? And I'm betting if I call I probably won't actually get the information I'm seeking plus I can't stand this level of Corporate laziness, you should give a shit enough about your product to be assed to provide a Consumer and in fact reviewer of the history of said product.. Not just feed them a line of bullshit and.. Y'know what? Whatever.. This really leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.. Normally I don't rage but this has actually gotten me pretty close.

Whatever.. And no, I'm not going to call them..

Moving on..


Taste-wise? They were stale of course, not soft as I'd liked but it provided a bit of a crunch and that was fairly enjoyable in that there was a bit more to chew, they're as I remember, vaguely tasting of a sort of chemical Vanilla, certainly nothing natural but certainly also surprisingly addictive, the Biscuits quickly disappeared and I found enjoyment in doing the most disgusting thing possible by popping two in my mouth at once, chewing them until they were liquified slime, and THEN sloshing the slime around before swallowing it, FUCK OFF! That's how I eat my Vanilla Wafers.

Keebler Vanilla Wafers receive a rating of 5.8/10 Big Cat Paws; they'd have gotten a full 6 but I do count Corporate interest and good business sense into the equation and what the Kellogg Corporation responded to me with honestly came off as a bit disrespectful as if as I mentioned they were simply saying 'We can't be assed to actually answer your inquiry so instead call this number so we can fuck you around the bend for half an hour before you find out we won't actually be able to answer your question or you get an answer that totally wasn't worth the time or effort spent', I'm the Consumer goddamn it! I'm not supposed to have to do all this fucking work to get information!


Even though I'm a Buddhist I think I'd crash their Religious get together if they actually had Vanilla Wafers! FREE BISCUITS! Rock on!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

RETRO REVIEW: Pokemon The Movie 2000


We're back to Pokemon, folks, with my random recent obsession or re-obsession with Pokemon rekindled by the realization that there have been five fucking Generations of these little bastards I've decided to re-watch the old movies, seeing if they're worth what I remember them being worth and whether they were the amazing experiences I so remember from the Cinema.

Today's Pokemon movie is Pokemon The Movie 2000: 'The Power Of One', yes the very same movie that evident Master Trainer hopeful of the United States, Herman Cain quoted in his 2012 bid for Presidency.


Mah nigguh! Well.. Surely if 2012 is the end of the world we're making certain with shit like this that it's going to be an interesting ride at least, right? Should this be our final year on this Earth and in this existence, at least it's been amusing and pretty damn awesome all things considered.

Like Mr. Mime in all his glorious night-mare fuel fear-poop inspiring glory, this shit just won't die!


...Wuugh.. Well.. Fuck that shit, let's just get to the goddamned review of the movie..

First of all this movie starts off with your typical villain or 'villain type', I'm not really certain he's actually a villain so much as he's just a dumb-ass that remains willfully ignorant of the catastrophic world-ending shit he's bringing upon the entire goddamned planet, happily trotting along because he was inspired by a fucking Mew Card, yes.. The movies 'villain' is actually tying in the Mew Card that we got from going to the First Movie, apparently he went too which is half-way kind of awesome and half-way a little too gimmicky for me to be comfortable with.. Whatever..


Mr. Fancy Pants here whose name I can't recall in spite of having watched this movie literally a day ago doesn't exactly leave much of an impression. He's a bit of a moron, remaining as I mentioned willfully ignorant of the chaos that his endeavors are wreaking on the planet even though shit is happening right in front of his fucking face and the prophecy is owned by him and all.. Whatever.. He's a jack-shit apparent psychopath who chooses for the purpose of 'collecting' to go after the Legendary Bird Pokemon, Moltres, Articuno, and Zapdos in the interest of drawing out the 'ultimate', evidently the 'prize', the Guardian Beast Of The Sea; Lugia.



Now here's where I start to get confused because I try to make sense of a lot of this which is a stupid stupid mistake because there's no sense to really be had to Pokemon, it's a goddamned Anime about crazy super-powered aberrant animals who for some reason or another haven't taken the evolutionary step of breaking their bonds of servitude and forcing humanity into the role of servant.. Whatever.. Maybe they're into BDSM or something? Those Pokeballs are kind of kinky..

I also don't understand precisely how three goddamned birds who later in the series, not so much later are down-graded in power so much they're inconsequential can have such a dramatic impact on the whole motherfucking world, I mean.. How exactly do these birds keep the balance in effect? And if there's only one of each, how the fuck do they procreate? If they don't procreate, why are they still around? And all that questioned, why the fuck haven't they died and sent the planet into a downward spiral of chaos and apocalyptic disaster before they were simply briefly captured?

Further how the fuck does capturing them send the planet into a motherfucking tail-spin?

And WHAT THE HELL IS THE STORY WITH LUGIA?! HE PLAYED LIKE NO GODDAMNED PART IN THIS FILM!

HUHUHUHHNNN!!

...Breathe.. Breathe.. It's all cool..

The prophecy goes a little something like this;


"Disturb not the harmony of Fire, Ice, or Lightning, Lest these Titans wreak destruction upon the world in which they clash. Though the water's Great Guardian shall arise to quell the fighting, Alone its song will fail. Thus the Earth shall turn to ash. O, Chosen One, into thine hands bring together all three. Their treasures combined, tame the Beast of the Sea. From the trio of islands, ancient spheres shall you take, For between life and death, all the difference you'll make. O, Chosen One, climb to the shrine to right what is wrong, And the world will be healed by the Guardian's song."

So there you go, Ash has been drafted by fate to save the planet by collecting these odd little orbs whose purpose THEY NEVER REALLY FUCKING ELABORATE ON that just SOMEHOW magically save everything when all of this shit comes to a fucking crescendo which makes me want to beat puppies to death! But hey, the treasures are pretty, right?!




Yeah.. There's also a Slow-King which for as far as I can tell this movie and a single time I think in the Anime is the only time we ever see one that serves.. Well.. No purpose again and some girl that plays an Ocarina because apparently that helps too, I mean.. The treasures and the chosen one aren't enough! NO! We need some bitch to play some random tune on a fucking shell flute because HOLY SHIT OTHERWISE WE ARE TEH DEDS!

...Seriously.. Do NOT watch this movie and try to make sense of the plot.. Trying to inject logic into this only sprung my mind into a raging flame of anger and confusion to the point that I want to dislodge my door from it's hinges WITH MY FACE.


Team Rocket makes an appearance in this movie too, they're the lovable goof-balls they'd always been and they break the fourth-wall more than once, with Slow-King once at the end of the movie in fact.. It's kind of nice to see them around, I always enjoy their presence simply because they're a bunch of goofy fuckers who serve as comedy relief when.. Wait a second.. THIS FUCKING SHOW HARDLY HAS ANY DRAMA, WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH EXTRA COMEDY RELIEF? AHHHHHHH!

...FUUUUUCK!

...Huuh... Goddammit.. Breathe, Jade.. Breathe..

Pokemon The Movie 2000: The Power Of One is a movie I actually saw in the Cinema's when it was released, I remember thinking it was awesome.. In retrospective viewing the plot or lack thereof and it's complete disregard of any semblance of logic kind of make me rage to the point where I think people are in danger of being head-butted around me if they say the wrong thing.. It's not bad, it's not great... The whole movie in and of itself is a little dull and so Pokemon The Movie 2000: The Power Of One receives a retrospective rating of 6.8/10 Big Cat Paws.

Both the First Movie and Mewtwo Returns were slightly better but it's worth watching if you're a Pokemon fan, they're always worth watching AND as an added bonus they're evidently cannon as all three movies fit in somewhere along the story and this one in particular seems to happen during their Orange Island Journeys. 

Now leave me alone or I'll send Ash out to ge'tcha with his balls!


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

REVIEW: Kosher Dairy Original Gourmet Lollies (Orange Creamsicle & Butterscotch Sundae)

God I love these Lollies, I really do.. I mean they're like the Extra Gum, sure there are hits and misses and a few flavours aren't as good as they could be but the important thing is that they're trying and typically doing a pretty damn good job of hitting their respective flavours in the form of a sweetie and that's just awesome because I can have something that would otherwise be horrid for me at less than half the Calories and in some cases, none at all.

Everyone likes Lollies even if they won't admit it because it's a fact of life, Lollies are fundamentally good. They're some of the first sweeties we get in our childhoods and they're amazing, to be quite frank there is nary a better sweetie that has a more uniquely pure origin than a Lollie and of course like anything pure it's inevitably turned into something perverted by gutter minded guys.. Yeah.. And like I said I won't have a Lollie in public anymore.. Last time I had some bloke staring at me in a really uncomfortable way and goddamn it all, Lollies are supposed to be innocent and enjoyed!

At any rate we'll hurry and go ahead and get to our first Lollie of the review, the flavour? Kosher Dairy Original Gourmet 'Orange Creamsicle' flavour


This one's very vibrantly coloured, it's a bright and lively orange whose wrapper was really weird because the damn thing wasn't fully wrapped the whole way down but rather kind of wrapped around the top as if.. I don't know.. Do machines wrap these? I'm having my doubts because of inconsistencies with the wrappers.. Some wrappers are wrapped tighter than goddamned steel over these Lollies while others aren't even wrapped 'correctly', whatever.. It was pretty easy to get off..


Now be it no secret that I love Orange Creamsicle as a flavour, I've enjoyed the gum in the past and of course I've also stated numerous times that I have an unnatural love for Flintstones Push-Ups which are no longer around sadly, I'm looking forward to this Orange Creamsicle Lollie, will it stand to the test of time and hold it's head high in a sea of other Orange Creamsicle flavoured Drinks, Gums, and Ice Cream?

Heeere we go!

Okay first things first is that the flavour that hits me right away is a bit of a blatantly artificial Orange flavour, the same sort of Orange flavour you get from a Dum-Dum Pop, a lower tier Lollie that unfortunately plagued the Lemon Meringue flavour I had tried before.. This is not something that makes me happy.. Does it actually taste like Orange Creamsicle?

..The sad answer is.. No.. No it does not, it tastes just of artificial Orange and that's it, there's no 'Cream' flavour to speak of, just general artificial Orange sweetness and I have to say that's very disappointing..

Kosher Dairy Original Gourmet 'Orange Creamsicle' gets a rating of 2.0/10 Big Cat Paws - I won't throw it away but I'm certainly not going to be finishing it off first..

Now that we've had one disappointment I hope it's not too much to ask for a success, my next flavour is a flavour that kind of makes me rage.. It's a Kosher Dairy Original Gourmet 'Butterscotch Sundae' Lollie and the reason it makes me rage? Whenever I hear the word 'scotch' I feel a certain Aussie swelling in me that instantly makes me go 'DRINKIN', Bloody oath! Gonna end up on the goddamned floor tonight!' and of course..


Yeah.. There is no actual 'Scotch', but we'll see if this isn't good still.. I'm not sure whether it will be or won't but following the Ice Cream theme of this post we had to find another Ice Cream flavour to go with the Orange Creamsicle so fuck it.. Here goes..

It's a very proper Butterscotch flavour almost like a Butterscotch Toffee that hits me at first.. I can see that they were going with 'Sundae' because there's a general sweetness in there that tastes sort of Vanilla-ey but if it weren't for the fact that the wrapper read 'Butterscotch Sundae' I'd think this was just Butterscotch or Butterscotch Toffee flavoured.. Not a bad thing just not Sundae material..


Not a bad Lollie by any stretch but not the greatest in the world, at least a minor success.. The Kosher Dairy Original Gourmet 'Butterscotch Sundae' Lollie gets a rating of 5.8/10 Big Cat Paws - It'd be better if it had real Scotch..

A goddamned lot of real Scotch..

Monday, August 27, 2012

REVIEW: Kroger Deluxe Moon Pie Ice Cream

Fuck it all, I've found something amazing! Positively amazing, amazing without peer, and beyond my wildest dreams! A flavour of Ice Cream I never thought would exist made from the magical snack known as a 'Moon Pie', Kroger Deluxe Moon Pie Ice Cream!


Let's not clarify some information about the snack known as a 'Moon Pie', Moon Pies have been around for a looong ass time, introduced originally in the Chattanooga Tennessee area around the time of the beginning of the Great Depression Moon Pies have been a staple of snacking since the 1930s and are something that have become synonymous with utter decadent and disgustingly abhorrent deliciousness for me.. I suspect a single Moon Pie sets my body back by at least two years, flooding my veins with artery hardening shite that will no doubt lead to my ultimate downfall but GODDAMN are they ever tasty!


A Moon Pie traditionally is a pastry which consists of two round Graham Cracker Biscuits, with Marshmallow filling in the center, dipped in Chocolate, it's an  aberration to nutrition that I just can't resist and never have been able to, mind bogglingly amazingly delicious, these things could probably be a form of food-based mind-control.  There are other flavours of Moon Pie such as some with Vanilla, Strawberry, or Banana instead of Chocolate coating but the Chocolate coating is the traditional Moon Pie coating.


I have to admit upon opening this I was positively blown away. While I was still jipped of a bit of Ice Cream and I'm admittedly a bit disappointed about that it still comes up nicely in the center and the first thing I noticed was the aroma, holy fucking shit the aroma makes me want to shove my goddamned hand into this, shovel it out with my fingers, and smear this shit all over my body because I'd be MOTHERFUCKING IRRESISTIBLE! This shit smells spectacular!

But the taste? HOLY FUCKING CORN SHUCKING TAP DANCING VEGAN JESUS CHRIST IS THIS SHIT EVER TASTY! Oh by all that's Holy and good in this world, this stuff is like the epitome of life, it's like X-Mas morning for a child, it's the taste of utter goodness in your mouth that devolves into this horrible pornographic and dirty thing but you don't care because it's UNREAL! It's so bad it's good!

The Ice Cream isn't Vanilla, oh no, it's Marshmallow flavoured and it actually tastes like fucking Marshmallows!, the Ice Cream itself is super sweet, creamy, and addictive with hints of Graham and Cream in it and that's not just that, it's also got actual chunks of Graham Cracker Biscuit in it!, on top of the chunks of Graham Cracker Biscuit are chunks of Chocolate and occasionally a full-on chunk of Moon Pie which just makes me want to collapse on the floor and start convulsing in wracks of pleasure screaming, YES! YES! YES! OH SHIT YESSSS!

We all know Marshmallows are amazing to begin with, I mean come on.. We all had Marshmallows roasted over a fire at some point and that experience is quintessentially good..


The fact of the matter is Moon Pies take Marshmallow and makes it twenty times better, applied to Ice Cream and it makes something that bordered on creating a fucking singularity in my head and causing my mind and skull to implode upon itself, sucking the world and existence into the vacuous pull of a black hole.. And you'd have all tasted Moon Pie Ice Cream when you went and for that moment as you were ripped apart molecule for molecule and torn into nothingness, you'd have orgasmed.

Oh fuck you'd have orgasmed..

Kroger Deluxe Moon Pie Ice Cream makes me feel disturbingly sexual, it receives a rating of 10/10 Big Cat Paws; I cannot complain about shit when it comes to this Ice Cream, it's absolutely perfect and it truly defines 'mind defying deliciousness', oh shit.. Oh shit..

Now if you'll pardon I need to go next door and explain to my neighbors that I wasn't screaming because I was being murdered or anything, I was just having a deep and profound sexual experience with Ice Cream.


Sunday, August 26, 2012

REVIEW: DC Animated Movie - Batman Year One

Going into Batman Year One I knew what to expect, it was another origin story yet again re-done and honestly while I've reviewed Comics and seen the Batman Begin movies which I still say weren't as good as the 1989 Tim Burton Batman film in spite of it's problems and the former of which I can't stand for their mispronunciation through the whole goddamned film of Ras Al Ghul's name which for anyone making a Batman movie should be known is pronounced 'RAYSH Al Ghul' not fucking 'Ras', because that's incorrect and it's another fucking language so YES pronunciation does play a part in it, I mean come on.. You're doing a Batman film, to do a Batman film you need to know and respect the source material even if you're changing it a little bit and one of the unforgivable things is to mispronounce a serious name like that but whatever..

Honestly the whole 'Batman Origin' thing is starting to get old, how many Comics have covered the origin again and again and now movies and animated films are getting into the mess again? But I had high hopes for Batman Year One, it was based off a graphic novel of the same name by Frank Miller so it had to be pretty good, right?


James Gordon Year One... Wait, I mean.. Batman Year One starts off with James Gordon moving to Gotham with his pregnant Wife, Barbara Gordon ( Yes his Wife, I didn't mess that up for those of you thinking of the other Barbara that is his Daughter ), and like-wise Bruce Wayne has recently returned to Gotham after a twelve year training trip abroad in martial arts, man-hunting, and science but wait.. Bruce Wayne you say? Fuck that shit, let's get back to Gordon.


The movie portrays Gordon as a hard-ass who has previously made mistakes that may have not been mistakes by taking another Cop down who was likely corrupt to begin with and therefore there's a little irony in the fact that he's been transferred to Gotham as apparent punishment because Gotham is of course completely infiltrated from Commissioner to Street Cop by corruption, corruption that takes the form of Commissioner Gillian Loeb and his lacky, meat-head jock-reject Cop of the movie, Detective Flass.

Now if you're guessing by now that this movie focuses a lot about Gordon, I'd shake your hand and congratulate you for NOTICING THE FUCKING OBVIOUS!

It's not that this makes this a bad movie, Gordon quite to the contrary makes an interesting primary character in this movie and YES he is the primary character, you don't actually get to see Batman until well into a chunk of the film and then the actual appearances of Batman are only fleeting, typically consisting of him getting his ass handed to him and emphasizing the fact that he's an amateur and making him feel more human which previously I'd praised other sources for doing but now.. Honestly it's getting a little tried and old, it's being done too damn much and it's starting to detract from the value of seeing that for me.

Detracting also from Batman is a not bad but not great voice-actor, Benjamin McKenzie, who is largely unknown and hasn't really been in anything.. But back to Gordon..

This movie really should have been called James Gordon Begins or James Gordon Year One because that's all you see from this movie, James Gordon, it's a bit of an overload when you start a movie that titles itself 'Batman Year One', I realize Gordon played a key role but it's supposed to be about the character in the title, right? That's Batman..




Other characters make appearances in this movie such as Selina Kyle who is evidently black and also working for a Pimp as a Dominatrix of some sort along with a young whore ward, Holly Robinson who can't be of legal age to be doing this stuff and the movie kind of alludes to that fact but.. Ehh.. Touchy subject in spite of being quite realistic.. People are still going to get up in arms about this shit for the sake of political correctness and other such foolishness..

And funny that political correctness is mentioned because amusingly there appears to be a character that bears a striking resemblance to a certain sax-playing sexually promiscuous President Of The United States,


And oh god, did I just say sexually promiscuous in reference to him?! FUCKING MIND BLEACH NOW! FUUUCK! POURING THIS SHIT IN MY EAR, MY BRAIN DOESN'T NEED TO BE MAKING IMAGES LIKE THAT IN MY HEAD AND IT'S LIKE A LIMP WRINKLY SAUSA-AAAAHHH OMAGAWD MY FUCKING MIND STOP!

oiemngweoaim4hnjr46k7ul8iytreawQW3QA6YTTWERFD

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!

...Okay..

Better now.. Shit..

This movie is actually quite entertaining although not entirely predictable, what I thought would happen when James Gordon's Family was targeted didn't happen which surprised me and left me a little confused especially considering the material which comes from Frank Miller but okay..
 

All in all the DC Animated Movie - James Gordo - I mean Batman Year One receives a rating of 8.4/10 Big Cat Paws; definitely worth the watch and the time, worth your money, and enjoyable to the last moments of the film.. Just don't expect to see much Batman from it.

 

Saturday, August 25, 2012

REVIEW: Hershey's Sugar Free Chocolate Mini Bars

Another article I think we can start by all agreeing on one truth and that truth is that Chocolate is goddamned awesome, it's awesome and delicious and loved by everyone in the world, even people with potentially fatal allergies or reactions to Chocolate still love Chocolate.


As a little bit of a health whore admittedly even I love Chocolate, I don't love the things it does to me and the extra exercise indulging in it forces me to partake but I do love the taste, the smell, and the creamy orgasmic pleasure that Chocolate provides me.. Woah.. Kinda graphic there, huh?

Although it's in the same vein of health conscious thought that lead me to develop a curiosity about the following product, Hershey's Sugar Free Chocolate Mini Bars, Sugar Free I think, that's got to be at least a little healthier for you than the normal shite.. I mean granted it's not something you can eat all the time but considering they dropped the normal serving size Calories for a normal Hershey's Mini Bar from 210 to 80, I'm definitely interested.


There's definitely nothing wrong with the packaging unless you count the fact that they seem to think it's necessary to coat the package in SUGAR FREE, SUGAR FREE, SUGAR FREE, and lest we forget SUGAR FREE! Because of course the packaging isn't complete unless we have the goddamned word repeated four times on the side, once on the top corner, and once on the photograph of the goddamned bar itself - WHAT THE FUCK? WE GET IT! They're Sugar fruitcake tapdancing Christed Free! FUCK!


The wrapper itself has a little line on it reading 'Sugar Free' of course and honestly at this point it's making me twitch a little even though I can understand that the wrapper does actually need to convey the fact that the product is Sugar Free, perhaps if it hadn't been for the fact that the bag housing these little wrappers violently assaulted me with SUGAR FREE I wouldn't feel like murdering someone right now.


Opening the product I notice one thing, it's kind of 'dry' feeling and looking compared to normal Hershey's Chocolate, something I found fairly odd because unwrapping it as you can see pieces of it strangely fell off and flaked apart and that's kind of disconcerting but something I'm willing to look past assuming this Bar doesn't taste like world-class shite.. I mean come on.. The Calories have been massively reduced, that's something at least.


I halved the Bar for the sake of curiosity to see if the inside was as dry and barren looking as the outside, it for a matter of fact is, I apologize for the oppressive glare from the wrapping but that's what you get when Hershey's wraps their shit in bright metallic chrome goddamned wrapping.. Lens flare AND DICKS EVERYWHERE!

...Anyway onto the tasting..

First things first is this thing starts out pretty dry in texture and consistency but quickly melts in your mouth as you expect and desire from Hershey's Chocolate becoming a creamy mess of gooey goodness which coats your tongue and washes over your mouth with as a Chocolaty cascade - FUCK I'M GOOD WITH WORDS.

This is where the negative of the Bar comes in and that's the fact that although the Bar is delicious and in no way bad, it's definitely noticeably different from the normal Hershey's Chocolate fare you're used to; airy in a way but in the way that you can tell the ingredients are just lighter, the flavour is a little less pronounced and not quite as sweet and the Chocolate kind of suffers for this because it's not quite as delicious as the normal version of the Bar is which just goes to show you that all that bullshit Sugar and other unhealthy shit for some reason is delicious just out to kill us all and doing a pretty damn good job of it judging by the world today and the state of peoples health.

Hershey's Sugar Free Mini Chocolate Bars get a rating of 7.0/10 Big Cat Paws - Above average for what I was expecting, nothing perfect or even close but definitely worth trying out if you're looking to watch your Calorie count.

Friday, August 24, 2012

REVIEW: Superman VS The Elite

Lots of Super Hero movies lately, lots and lots, I've been really into the Super Hero mood as of the past few weeks and I've been watching them left and right. This movie was introduced June 12, 2012, and is a movie that was based off of the Comics, "What's So Funny About Truth, Justice & the American Way?", this animated adaptation was done by Joe Kelly, one of the creators of Ben 10 who has also worked on many many more Comics, this specific title is 'Superman VS The Elite', does it stand up to it's Comic counterpart?



This movie starts off with something I really love, this very old-school rock and roll sort of British high colour opener sequence, a frame of which is featured above. It's very 'in your face', colourful as mentioned, and features some clips from older Superman cartoons as well as panels from the original Comic source, "What's So Funny About Truth, Justice & the American Way?", you've got to kind of love the old-school feel this gives and while some may complain it's too colourful, I found it to be a real eye-catcher and immediately thought it was an awesome touch.

Now first things first is that the animators for this are a little weird in their artistic direction in specifically that Superman and many of the characters are huge ham-beasts of massive muscle and deformed chins looking much like they'd taken a batch of the Colonels secret recipe chicken, slathered it in an addition secret ingredient which was the TGRI Ooze from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles series, and then gobbled that shit up resulting in some pretty aberrant alterations to their otherwise normal physiology.


More specifically a chin that makes Jay Leno weep in pants-shitting hopeless terror at night and that Supes could probably use to kill a man, utilizing that weapon of a chin as a hammer or some other blunt weaponry.

Secondly the voice you'll know and love immediately is the voice of George Newbern who voiced Superman in Superman The Animated Series, Justice League, and Justice League Unlimited which means that this feels more like one of our favourite old DCAU shows than it does some stand-alone movie which many of the movies as of late featuring or revolving around Superman have felt like simply because they had different people voicing 'ole Supes.


Like it's Comic counterpart this movie brings to the table Manchester Black ( Voiced by Robin Atkin Downes, the same bloke that voices Mumm-Ra in the new Thunder Cats ) and his gang of super-powered cohorts, Nathan Jones AKA Coldcast ( Voiced by Catero Colbert who can't really boast having really been in much ), Pam AKA Menagerie ( Voiced by Melissa Disney who has played many different parts including Ginger from As Told By Ginger which is kind of weird because Menagerie tends to be a little sexually promiscuous and hearing the voice of Ginger be 'raunchy' felt very off to me ), and The Hat ( Voiced by Andrew Kishino who has been in at least a few shows and video-games)

It's not the greatest voice-cast in the world but it's not the worst, they all play their parts very well and I can't really complain.

Being anti-heroes without ruining the story, The Elite are a group of super-powered individuals who have no qualms and in fact revel in the brutal killing of their enemies which see's the deaths of at least one major character in this movie, The Atomic Skull and through he and various other happenings a great deal of people die in this movie fairly graphically and abruptly.. For a Superman movie this was a bit of a shocker to me.. I mean I know that it's a movie and therefore they're not held to the same censorship standards as the series were on television but I still didn't expect the brutal, abrupt, and in your face nature of the deaths, they're somewhat jarring which isn't a bad thing, it actually made the movie more interesting and enthralling.


This is a movie that takes from it's source-material and in rare form actually improves upon it, this is an enthralling movie from start to finish that holds your attention and in true form of the DC Animated Movies that have been released lately, this is reaaaally fucking good..




Plus as a bit of a spoiler you've got to kind of love any movie that has Superman seemingly flipping his goddamned shit, going completely butt-fucking horrifyingly insane, and proceeding to beat the tar out of people mercilessly and THEN after all of that going to the trouble of keeping his Pimp-hand strong by smacking a bitch.

It's also fun to see a movie where someone actually causes considerable injury to Superman. Far too often that we see a movie or series in which the worse Superman ever gets is some dirt and scratches, no.. In this one we've got full-on blood, cuts, a busted eye, and more.

Superman VS The Elite receives a rating of 9.6/10 Big Cat Paws; definitely worth seeing again and an incredible achievement and adaption from it's source material that really impressed me quite a lot.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Take A Trip With Me Into The World Of Baking!

So recently I got in a really weird mood to bake, probably because I haven't baked in so long that I was just wanting to make something, I make baked goods from scratch rather than using prepacked ingredients because fuck that shit!

Sufficed to say this Blog entry is going to be a little different as I'm not reviewing something some Company or Corporation made but rather something I myself made.. It's also good to note that typically when I get in the mood to cook like this or bake my first interest is usually to create something aberrant and unholy, why?



Yeah... Pretty much..

I'm also not going to go into details about my recipe's, sorry folks but my recipe's are my recipe's and I'm not sharing my secrets because I think to share something like this I should at least receive some minor compensation. To quote The Joker, 'If you're good at something, never do it for free', fairly good advice if I do say so myself.

 The first thing I'd decided to make were something I'd like to refer to as 'Trip Cakes', not quite the Trip Cakes I'd like them to be because I lack any Cannabis which is a truly crying shame but Trip Cakes pretty trippy nevertheless.

Of course the usual ingredients, a little Flour, some pinches of secret ingredients, a dash of this, a dash of that, and then the mixing and then came the point of colour and let me start by saying, I'm shite when it comes to colouring things and unfortunately what came out was almost blurbing 'Huhrrhrhrh.. Bleeckk... Loovve mhhrruckk meee..', I was sorely tempted to rip the meat-cleaver from the wooden knife block and go after it with a murderous fervor.




I guess technically it could have come out worse, I mean.. I was going for a tie-dye appearance, instead I got like.. A Leprechaun ate a Rainbow, a few Shamrocks, and proceeded to shit the mixture after a few hours digestion time into Cup-Cake thingies which is kind of cool now that I think of it.. The Cup-Cakes that are actually the sweet delicious stool of a mythical gold-bearing creature. Fuck all, yeah!


The insides were a big mess of fucking chaos, colours and shit looking like Christmas and St. Patrick's Day got into a fucking bar-brawl which considering how many drunks frequent St. Patrick's Day events and how many drunken Santa there are in the world, it's not too far from what I'd consider to be completely unsurprising and within the realm of reason.

DING DING! In this corner weighing in at 98 LBS, Lucky The Leprechaun! And in this corner the Height Of Horror, the Meister Of Merriment, the Missile in your Toe? Eh? ...Well.. Whatever.. Weighing in at.. Holy fuck.. 425 LBS, CHRIS GODDAMNED CRINGLE!

Do you smeeeell what the Jolly 'Ole Man is cooking?!

No, you fucking don't.. Because the cheap son of a bitch never cooks anything, he just eats other peoples goddamned Biscuits.

These were surprisingly good, I'd expected them to taste less.. Proper.. Considering my recipe I went with but they came out moist, sweet, and delicious; 8.5/10 Big Cat Paws is what I'd rate them personally AND SPEAKING OF BISCUITS!

I went on to make some Chocolate Biscuits.. Though not just any Chocolate Biscuits because fuck you, something normal would be boring! Instead I went with irony! Chocolate Biscuit Biscuits!


Get it? Because they're Biscuits in the shape of dog Biscuits? So they're Biscuit Biscuits? Yeah.. Redundant irony is fun!

The above were actually the prototype batch, I'd not quite perfected them and the above were covered in Sweetener Crystals which added a second layer of sweetness to the already delicious Cocoa flavour of the Biscuit itself but I wasn't done yet, no.. The final batch came out without the Crystals.


And soon after a completely warranted (BULLSHIT) pardon, I sneezed, taste test I'd confirmed that these Biscuits would then have melted Milk Chocolate added to their surface and allowed to harden into a glaze shell, I finished them off with a beautiful shiny glaze that came out looking positively delightful!


And let me tell you, Cocoa Biscuits topped by a thin glaze of Milk Chocolate are unbelievable! These would be rated at 9.8/10 Big Cat Paws by me! MAN they were good and I'm not just saying that because I made them!


Lastly was breakfast which was inspired by me watching too goddamned much Nickelodeon because you can't quite see but this Pancake batter is actually green, green exactly like the Slime from Nickelodeon's shows such as What Would You Do? and You Can't Do That On Television. Why? Because I fucking wanted something aberrant and aberrant they indeed were... Holy shit were they ever aberrant.. And no this next part wasn't baking, eat me.


Cooking in such a way that caused the surface to brown and just sports and area's of green to peek out, it looked almost like I'd been cooking otherwise normal Pancakes in a batch of discarded TGRI Ooze, it's almost as if while cooking a normal Pancake it was exposed to the mutagen and began to mutate right there on the pan! FUCKING AWESOME!

I topped this shit off with green Syrup which isn't pictured and felt like I was eating something that should be featured in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle school of cooking.

Fuck yea!

The Pancakes rated at 7.8/10 Big Cat Paws!

And that's the journey! This is what happens when I get inspired.. People should fear fear a lot..

Also I need my own bake shop or fucking Food Network show or something. SOMEONE GODDAMNED HIRE ME, I'LL MAKE YOU TRIP CAKES, BISCUIT BISCUITS, AND MUTANT PANCAKES! That and more..

...Oh god so much more..